By Katie and Gay Hendricks
What is the #1 reason you’re not happy with your love life?
If you’re single, is it because you don’t feel like you measure up in some way? Or that finding a decent, honest and available partner is next to impossible?
If you’re dating someone, is it that you aren’t happy with your choice of partner or their level of commitment to you?
If you’re in a committed relationship or married, maybe you think you’d be happier if you had more money, less debt, a better sex life, or could just stop fighting.
These are the types of answers we hear from individuals when we ask them what they would like to change about their love life or partner:
“I wish she would relax, and stop getting on my case about everything.”
“If only he wasn’t such a workaholic and would spend more quality time with me.”
“I thought we hit it off, why won’t she call me back?”
“I wish he would open up more. He’s so hard to read.”
Do you have your own examples of “If only___?”
It seems that many people feel the need to fix something (or someone) in order to be truly happy in their love life.
They think that if only they could change the way a partner behaves, or make the outside circumstances (money, time) different, their lives would magically transform into contentment.
But it rarely works that way, and people can spend years or even a lifetime in unhappy relationships, playing out the same patterns over and over. Patterns like infidelity in every relationship. Issues with addiction. Mistrust. Boredom.
All because what they think is the problem isn’t the problem at all.
What’s running your love life isn’t some problem “out there.” What’s running your love life is actually WITHIN you.
Here’s what we mean.
For any issue that is troubling you in your love life, there is almost always a cause within you. The more convinced you are that the issue lies outside of you (there are no good men out there, my partner is too stubborn, every woman cheats on me), the more you need to look for another cause you hadn’t considered before.
Here are some of the common hidden reasons we see:
What if the problems you’re picking out in other people are actually traits that you dislike within yourself?
The reality is that we all harbor a little bit of the same qualities we dislike in others. We are all a little lazy sometimes. We’ve all been moody. We’ve exaggerated sometimes in order to get a desired reaction from someone. We’ve promised things we didn’t or couldn’t deliver.
Traits that are particularly repulsive to us are traits we simply cannot accept in ourselves. When we accuse our partner of being a certain way that annoys us, we are denying that we, too, have those tendencies within ourselves. In essence, we are refusing to love that part of ourselves. And when we see these traits reflected in others, we are repulsed.
You are a powerful creator. What you see happening in your life is a direct result of what is within you. There’s a catch: you have the power to create both happiness and unhappiness in your life. That promotion you landed came from your power to create, and that fight you keep having in your relationship stems from the same power.
The fastest way to tell what you are subconsciously committed to is to look at recurring patterns in your life.
You might desperately want peace in your relationships, but if every relationship you get into is filled with highs and lows, then there’s your cue – you’re subconsciously committed to creating drama.
We all come into relationships with two opposing fears: the fear of being alone, and the fear of getting too close. And these fears get triggered only when a relationship gets more involved. The closer and more intimate you become, the higher the stakes get – you become afraid of losing the other person, but you also become afraid of losing your independence and individuality.
When this happens, your subconscious mind devises all sorts of tricks to protect you. You pull away. Or you get clingy. You start to become hyper critical of your partner (which is just another way of keeping them from getting too close.)
If you have a history of falling in love only to be let down, there’s a good chance that you haven’t figured out how to balance these two opposing fears.
For each of the “hidden reasons” above, you can see how we get ourselves into trouble.
When we don’t understand the real cause behind our pain, it’s all too easy to point the finger somewhere else. You think: “relationships are a sham,” or “it must be their fault.”
And unless you face these inner causes and dissolve them, the problems will just perpetuate.
It’s often hard to discover these inner causes on your own because you’ve been living with them for so long. We specialize in helping people uncover what’s really running their love lives so they can stop wasting time and start enjoying boundless, joyful relationships.