By Gay Hendricks
Does it often feel as if other people—and especially your partner—let you down?
If there’s even a small part of you that feels like it can never be completely happy, keep reading.
Your disappointment isn’t necessarily a sign that you’re in the wrong relationship, and it’s not an indication that there’s something wrong with you.
Instead, it’s a sign that you’re experiencing a common phenomenon that will change the way you look at interactions between you and your mate (and anyone, really):
When you are not providing something for yourself, you will search for it in those closest to you—and you will get especially triggered when you don’t get it from them.
If you don’t talk to yourself kindly, you’ll tend to bristle at the smallest lack of courtesy.
If you tend to be your own worst critic, you’ll likely feel you can’t do anything right with your partner.
If you slack off on your diet and kick back into smoking cigarettes, you may be disgusted when your partner refuses to exercise.
Most of all, when you don’t love yourself you will always be looking for signs that your partner doesn’t love you.
Almost any relationship problem you may be having is actually a learning-to-love-yourself problem.
Having self-love is non-negotiable. It’s as important as the air you breathe. And when you don’t love yourself, you will always be looking for that love in someone else.
The problem, of course, is that NOBODY can give you self-love—it has to come from you.
Most of us don’t know we’re suffering from a lack of self love until we enter a relationship. Intimate relationships are like temperature gauges for self love. When you’re all by yourself, you don’t encounter the typical triggers that would indicate a lack of self love. But a relationship will stir up our deepest needs and fears.
Suddenly, you have a built-in self love meter—your partner. When you possess a full reservoir of self love, you do not rely on your partner to “fill you up.” If your partner is having a bad day or you have a disagreement, you are able to give yourself the love your partner is unwilling or unable to share at that time.
But when you experience a self-love deficit, you will be highly sensitive to any potential signs of love lack. When your partner is not 100% loving 100% of the time (which is impossible), you will fear abandonment and as if your supply of love will be cut off.
This will then escalate into snapping at your partner, nitpicking, and complaining—thereby actually pushing away the love you so very much want.
When your partner tells you that you complain too much or that you can never be satisfied, he or she is likely ALSO operating from a lack of self love.
You’ll know this is true if you and your partner have been embroiled in the same chronic pattern over a period of time, and the issue doesn’t get any better. You see, people who truly love themselves don’t stay embroiled in difficult relationships. They attract partners who also have a healthy amount of self love.
This kind of difficult relationship pattern is called an entanglement. At the core of any entanglement is—you guessed it—a lack of self love.
Lack of self love often stems from childhood. Some people had overly-critical parents or had siblings that they had to compete against. If this was your experience, then you probably grew up thinking you didn’t readily deserve love—and that you had to measure against certain standards in order to be loved.
As children, we don’t realize that we can generate our own feelings of lovability and worthiness, and when we get older, we carry this limiting belief into our adult relationships.
When you don’t fully love yourself, you will always be searching for this love—and you will try to get it from your partner. And since self love can only come from you, you are guaranteed to be disappointed in relationships.
Up until I learned to love myself, I seemed to get involved with women who always disappointed me in one way or another. Relationships were always a struggle, and I was sure that they were the problem!
It wasn’t until my learning-to-love-myself breakthrough that I finally broke the pattern of unsatisfying relationships and met Katie.
Actually, had I not learned how to love myself, I’m convinced our relationship would not have lasted.
No matter what relationship problem you may be experiencing, tend to the learning-to-love-yourself problem first. When you take care of this, you’ll also find that other problems magically fade away: career problems, money problems, even weight issues.
If you want to learn more about learning to love yourself—and how loving yourself will have a positive domino effect on every area of your life, we invite you to subscribe to our free relationship newsletter.
In the newsletter, we send out insights as well as tips you can put to use in your life right away, including the same principles we use to generate a constant flow of love—for ourselves and each other.
When you subscribe to our free relationship e-newsletter, Hearts In Harmony, you’ll learn how lack of self love shows up not just in your body, but in every area of your life.
You’ll see how even long-standing, seeming stubborn relationship problems disappear when even ONE person in a relationship learns self love. Subscribe now and learn:
Start your journey to a happier relationship. Subscribe for free right here: